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Scotland’s Paisley Abbey updated its gargoyles in 1991.
Keeping Up
Author: Greg Ross
Hunting
In 1975 British biologist Peter Scott proposed dubbing the Loch Ness Monster Nessiteras rhombopteryx after a blurry underwater photograph seemed to show one of the creature’s fins.
He’d intended the name to mean “monster of Ness with diamond-shaped fin,” but the Daily Telegraph pointed out that its letters could be rearranged to spell “Monster hoax by Sir Peter S.”
American lawyer Robert Rines, who led several expeditions to the loch, pointed out that they can also spell “Yes, both pix are monsters, R.”
08/09/2024 UPDATE: Reader Alan Mandel points out that they can also spell BY INEPTEST HOAXER, MR. ROSS — so now you’ll have to make up your own mind about this post. (Thanks, Alan.)
Footwork
Dion is a person, a whole man. Theon is that part of Dion that does not include the left foot. Theon is a “proper part” of Dion — he’s part of Dion but not identical with him.
Now suppose we remove Dion’s left foot. What has happened? Do we now have two numerically different objects composed of the same matter and occupying the same place? If not, then either Theon or Dion has ceased to exist. Which? How?
(From Chrysippus.)
Zoology
Samuel Johnson’s 1755 Dictionary of the English Language defines lizard as “an animal resembling a serpent, with legs added to it.”
Unquote
“Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.” — Bill Bailey
“Jumpin’ Yuccy”
The Scientific Monthly reported a startling discovery in October 1952: the Schuss-yucca, a rare desert plant whose stalk could grow 10 feet in 2 minutes.
Readers’ letters generally joined in the spirit of the hoax — including one that mentioned a boxer who “stopped hiking long enough to inspect a yucca at just the wrong time.”
The plant shot up 16 feet at that moment, dealing him an uppercut that ended his career. “All he would say of the unfortunate incident was ‘Any time a goddam bush can lay me out cold, I know prizefighting ain’t for me.'”
“12 Years Without a Birthday”
In It’s About Time (1935), Gerald Lynton Kaufman tells the fanciful story of sailor Timothy J. McCloskey, who was born on Leap Day 1876 and thus had celebrated only five birthdays when he went to sea in 1896. No leap year was observed in 1900, and he awoke after the night of February 28, 1904, to find that his ship had crossed the international date line in the night, bypassing Leap Day.
Thus he had to wait from February 29, 1896, to February 29, 1908, to advance from his fifth birthday (celebrated at 20 years of age) to his sixth birthday (celebrated at 32).
In Gilbert and Sullivan’s 1879 operetta The Pirates of Penzance, hero Frederic thinks he has completed his pirate apprenticeship at the end of his 21st year — but learns that he was born on February 29 and so must serve another 63 years to reach his “twenty-first birthday.”
How quaint the ways of Paradox!
At common sense she gaily mocks!
Though counting in the usual way,
Years twenty-one I’ve been alive,
Yet reckoning by my natal day,
I am a little boy of five!
Notice
Sign on an English industrial computer, October 1968:
ACHTUNG ALLES LOOKENPEEPERS
Das computermachine ist nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitssparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken bei das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets — relaxen und watch das blinkenlights.
(Via Eureka.)
Term Limits
Little-used words:
anopisthograph
adj. having writing on one side only
antapology
n. a reply to an apology
antephialtic
n. something that prevents nightmares
centesimate
v. to select one person in every hundred for a punishment
citramontane
adj. relating to this side of the mountains
demonachize
v. to remove monks from
frounce
n. a canker in the mouth of a hawk
hendecad
n. a period of eleven years
laquearian
adj. armed with a noose
pastinaceous
adj. of the nature of a parsnip
philosophunculist
n. an insignificant philosopher
spartostatics
n. the study of the strength of ropes
swinehood
n. pigs collectively
togated
adj. clad in a toga
trouserdom
n. the domain of those who wear trousers
yealing
n. a person of one’s own age
See Specialists.
“A Terrible Infant”
I recollect a nurse call’d Ann
Who carried me about the grass,
And one fine day a fine young man
Came up, and kiss’d the pretty lass:
She did not make the least objection!
Thinks I, “Aha!
When I can talk I’ll tell Mamma.”
— And that’s my earliest recollection.