Making toast at the fireside,
Nurse fell in the grate and died;
And, what makes it ten times worse,
All the toast was burned with Nurse.
— Col. D. Streamer
Humor
Dead End
Keep Left
Design your own custom road sign at customroadsign.com.
Wear Oven Mitts
“A Man Said to the Universe”
A man said to the universe:
“Sir, I exist!”
“However,” replied the universe,
“The fact has not created in me
“A sense of obligation.”
— Stephen Crane
Rimshot
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation.
As his boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks one of the natives how long it will go on.
The native looks about nervously and says, “Very bad when the drumming stops.”
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going, and it’s starting to get on the man’s nerves. So he asks another native when the drumming will stop.
The native looks as if he’s just been reminded of something very unpleasant. “Very bad when the drumming stops,” he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, the traveler is finally fed up. He grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts, “What happens when the drumming stops?!!”
The native says, “Bass solo.”
“Some Geese”
Every child who has the use
Of his senses knows a goose.
See them underneath the tree
Gather round the goose-girl’s knee,
While she reads them by the hour
From the works of Schopenhauer.
How patiently the geese attend!
But do they really comprehend
What Schopenhauer’s driving at?
Oh, not at all; but what of that?
Neither do I; neither does she;
And, for that matter, nor does he.
— Oliver Herford
Gelett Burgess
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
That’s “Purple Cow,” written in 1895 by Berkeley drafting instructor Gelett Burgess. It grew so popular that it began to haunt him; eventually he wrote “Confession: And a Portrait Too, Upon a Background That I Rue”:
Ah yes, I wrote the Purple Cow,
I’m sorry now I wrote it.
But I can tell you anyhow,
I’ll kill you if you quote it.
Warning
Nimrod, Minnesota
Unfortunate place names:
- Accident, Maryland
- Big Ugly Wilderness Area, West Virginia
- Difficult, Tennessee
- Effort, Pennsylvania
- Foulness, Essex, England
- Hell For Certain, Kentucky
- Hole in the Ground, Oregon
- Nothing, Arizona
- Pity Me, County Durham, England
- Toadsuck, Texas
Niemyje-Zabki, Poland, means “He is not cleaning his teeth.”