O Vitae Philosophia Dux!

A “hymn to science,” by English physician Mark Akenside, from the Gentleman’s Magazine, 1739:

Science! thou fair effusive ray
From the great source of mental day,
Free, generous, and refin’d!
Descend with all thy treasures fraught,
Illumine each bewilder’d thought,
And bless my lab’ring mind.

But first with thy resistless light,
Disperse those phantoms from my sight,
Those mimic shades of thee;
The scholiast’s learning, sophist’s cant,
The visionary bigot’s rant,
The monk’s philosophy.

O! let thy powerful charms impart
The patient head, the candid heart,
Devoted to thy sway;
Which no weak passions e’er mislead,
Which still with dauntless steps proceed
Where Reason points the way.

Give me to learn each secret cause;
Let number’s, figure’s, motion’s laws
Reveal’d before me stand;
These to great Nature’s scenes apply,
And round the globe, and thro’ the sky,
Disclose her working hand.

Next, to thy nobler search resign’d,
The busy, restless, human mind
Thro’ ev’ry maze pursue;
Detect Perception where it lies,
Catch the ideas as they rise,
And all their changes view.

Say from what simple springs began
The vast, ambitious thoughts of man,
Which range beyond control;
Which seek Eternity to trace,
Dive thro’ th’ infinity of space,
And strain to grasp the whole.

Her secret stores let Memory tell,
Bid Fancy quit her fairy cell,
In all her colours drest;
While prompt her sallies to control,
Reason, the judge, recalls the soul
To Truth’s severest test.

Then launch thro’ Being’s wide extent;
Let the fair scale, with just ascent,
And cautious steps, be trod;
And from the dead, corporeal mass,
Thro’ each progressive order pass
To Instinct, Reason, God.

There, Science! veil thy daring eye;
Nor dive too deep, nor soar too high,
In that divine abyss;
To Faith content thy beams to lend,
Her hopes t’ assure, her steps befriend,
And light her way to bliss.

Then downwards take thy flight agen;
Mix with the policies of men,
And social nature’s ties:
The plan, the genius of each state,
Its interest and its pow’rs relate,
Its fortunes and its rise.

Thro’ private life pursue thy course,
Trace every action to its source,
And means and motives weigh:
Put tempers, passions in the scale,
Mark what degrees in each prevail,
And fix the doubtful sway.

That last, best effort of thy skill,
To form the life, and rule the will,
Propitious pow’r! impart:
Teach me to cool my passion’s fires,
Make me the judge of my desires,
The master of my heart.

Raise me above the vulgar’s breath,
Pursuit of fortune, fear of death,
And all in life that’s mean.
Still true to reason be my plan,
Still let my action speak the man,
Thro’ every various scene.

Hail! queen of manners, light of truth;
Hail! charm of age, and guide of youth;
Sweet refuge of distress:
In business, thou! exact, polite;
Thou giv’st Retirement its delight,
Prosperity its grace.

Of wealth, pow’r, freedom, thou! the cause;
Foundress of order, cities, laws,
Of arts inventress, thou!
Without thee what were human kind?
How vast their wants, their thoughts how blind!
Their joys how mean! how few!

Sun of the soul! thy beams unveil!
Let others spread the daring sail,
On Fortune’s faithless sea;
While undeluded, happier I
From the vain tumult timely fly,
And sit in peace with thee.

The New Romantics

In 1982, Rob Thomson and William Palmer set out to convert the Oxford Book of English Verse into “non-emotive, non-sexist, modern language.” They began with the opening lines of Wordsworth’s “The Solitary Reaper”:

Behold her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!

The new version:

Look at solo Ms McPherson,
In her field, a single person,
Cutting corn with vocal tune,
Stop, or leave her all alone.

There’s no sign they got any further.

The Balliol Rhymes

In 1880, seven undergraduates at Balliol College, Oxford, published a broadsheet of 40 quatrains making fun of their masters. The college suppressed it, but a few copies survived, and librarian W.G. Hiscock published the collection in 1939:

First come I. My name is Jowett.
There’s no knowledge but I know it.
I am Master of this College,
What I don’t know isn’t knowledge.

Here am I, the often sat on
Dancing don; my name is Tatton;
Like old wine in a new bottle
Is my talk on Aristotle.

I am Huxley, blond and merry,
Fond of jokes and laughter, very:
If I laughed at what was witty,
I should laugh less, which were pity.

‘Tis not by feeding tea and shrimps on
That you’d become as thin as Simpson:
You might by trying to defer
So obstinate a questioner.

Here’s the whole collection, with notes identifying the poets and their targets.

Turnabout

An “enigma in praise of women,” from an 1820 miscellany:

Happy that man may pass his life,
Who’s free from matrimonial chains;
Who is directed by a wife,
Is sure to suffer for his pains.

What tongue is able to unfold
The falsehood which in women dwell?
The worth in women you behold
Is almost imperceptible.

Adam could find no solid peace
When Eve was given him for a mate;
Till he beheld a woman’s face,
Adam was in a happy state.

See, in the female race appear
Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride;
Truth, darling of a heart sincere,
In women never can reside.

They’re always studying to employ
Their time in malice and in lies;
Their leisure hours in virtuous joy
To spend, ne’er in their thoughts arise.

Destruction take the men, I say,
Who make the fair their chief delight;
Who no regard to women pay,
Keep reason always in their sight.

“By reading the first and third lines together the Enigma is explained.”

Relativity

Fixed to the front of the clock case in the north transept of Chester Cathedral is a poem by Henry Twells (1823–1900):

When as a child I laughed and wept,
Time crept.
When as a youth I waxed more bold,
Time strolled.
When I became a full grown man,
Time RAN.
When older still I daily grew,
Time FLEW.
Soon I shall find, in passing on,
Time gone.
O Christ! wilt Thou have saved me then?
Amen.

He called it “Time’s Paces.”

“We and They”

Father, Mother, and Me,
Sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
And every one else is They.
And They live over the sea,
While We live over the way,
But — would you believe it? — They look upon We
As only a sort of They!

We eat pork and beef
With cow-horn-handled knives.
They who gobble Their rice off a leaf,
Are horrified out of Their lives;
And They who live up a tree,
And feast on grubs and clay,
(Isn’t it scandalous?) look upon We
As a simply disgusting They!

We shoot birds with a gun.
They stick lions with spears.
Their full-dress is un-.
We dress up to Our ears.
They like Their friends for tea.
We like Our friends to stay;
And, after all that, They look upon We
As an utterly ignorant They!

We eat kitcheny food.
We have doors that latch.
They drink milk or blood,
Under an open thatch.
We have Doctors to fee.
They have Wizards to pay.
And (impudent heathen!) They look upon We
As a quite impossible They!

All good people agree,
And all good people say,
All nice people, like Us, are We
And every one else is They:
But if you cross over the sea,
Instead of over the way,
You may end by (think of it!) looking on We
As only a sort of They!

— Kipling

“The Lacquer Liquor Locker”

Now once upon a time the King of Astrakhan, at that,
Was sitting on his throne because his throne was where he sat;
And comfortably beside him, and magnificently stocked,
Was a lacquer liquor locker which a liquor lackey locked.

“My boy,” the King would often say with granulated voice,
“I think the 1640 is particularly choice.”
The boy would understand and so, endeavoring to please,
He’d try his luck at fitting several likely locker keys.

The King was always much annoyed because of this delay:
“See here, my lad, you’ve got to throw those other keys away.”
“This minute, Sire?” “This minute, sir!” And with a pox that pocked,
He cursed the keys which didn’t keep his liquor locker locked.

The lackey did as he was bid. Alackalasalack!
He threw them all so far away that no one threw them back.
A silly throw, as I can show, for he was simply shocked
To find he lacked the very one that left the liquor locked.

“O Sire, I’ve thrown them all away!” “Look here, my liquor lad!”
“It so befell I threw as well the one I wish I had.”
And since it was the kind of lock that isn’t quickly picked,
The lacquer liquid locker had the little lackey licked.

Unhappy page! In such a rage a king is hard to calm;
A butt or tun of ’51’s the proper kind of balm.
“I always liked my liquor locked, from brandy down to beer;
It might as well be lacquer now as liquor under here.”

Not magic of the magi nor the wisdom of the wise
Could either find the key again or ply where it applies.
The stricken King of Astrakhan soon sickened unto death,
Who tasted not of bitters but what most embittereth.

The little lackey lastly fell into a deep decline,
And evil over all the land to shrivel up the vine:
And now the only vintages of Astrakhan are crocked
In that lacquer liquor locker which a liquor lackey locked.

— David McCord