Tableau

A pleasing little detail: In Arthur C. Clarke’s 1946 story “Rescue Party,” a federation of aliens visit Earth immediately before the sun explodes, hoping to rescue its inhabitants. To their surprise, they don’t find us (it turns out we’ve fled the planet), and they comb our deserted civilization.

The explorers were particularly puzzled by one room — clearly an office of some kind — that appeared to have been completely wrecked. The floor was littered with papers, the furniture had been smashed, and smoke was pouring through the broken windows from the fires outside.

T’sinadree was rather alarmed.

‘Surely no dangerous animal could have got into a place like this!’ he exclaimed, fingering his paralyzer nervously.

Alarkane did not answer. He began to make that annoying sound which his race called ‘laughter.’ It was several minutes before he would explain what had amused him.

‘I don’t think any animal has done it,’ he said. ‘In fact, the explanation is very simple. Suppose you had been working all your life in this room, dealing with endless papers, year after year. And suddenly, you are told that you will never see it again, that your work is finished, and that you can leave it forever. More than that — no one will come after you. Everything is finished. How would you make your exit, T’sinadree?’

The other thought for a moment.

‘Well, I suppose I’d just tidy things up and leave. That’s what seems to have happened in all the other rooms.’

Alarkane laughed again.

‘I’m quite sure you would. But some individuals have a different psychology. I think I should have liked the creature that used this room.’

No explanation is given. “His two colleagues puzzled over his words for quite a while before they gave it up.”

Degrees of Variance

In a 2008 essay, computer scientist Paul Graham offered a hierarchy of verbal disagreement:

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Image: Wikimedia Commons

“The most obvious advantage of classifying the forms of disagreement is that it will help people to evaluate what they read,” he wrote. “But the greatest benefit of disagreeing well is not just that it will make conversations better, but that it will make the people who have them happier. … If you study conversations, you find there is a lot more meanness down in [Name-Calling] than up in [Refuting the Central Point]. You don’t have to be mean when you have a real point to make.”

Decisions

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‘Suppose that a foolish man has seized hold of a plank from a sinking ship, shall a wise man wrest it away from him if he can?’

‘No,’ says Hecaton; ‘for that would be unjust.’

‘But how about the owner of the ship? Shall he take the plank away because it belongs to him?’

‘Not at all; no more than he would be willing when far out at sea to throw a passenger overboard on the ground that the ship was his. For until they reach the place for which the ship is chartered, she belongs to the passengers, not to the owner.’

‘Again; suppose there were two to be saved from the sinking ship — both of them wise men — and only one small plank, should both seize it to save themselves? Or should one give place to the other?’

‘Why of course, one should give place to the other, but that other must be the one whose life is more valuable either for his own sake or for that of his country.’

‘But what if these considerations are of equal weight in both?’

‘Then there will be no contest, but one will give place to the other, as if the point were decided by lot or at a game of odd and even.’

— Cicero, De Officiis, 44 BC

Entre Nous

https://archive.org/details/strand-1897-v-14/page/690/mode/2up?view=theater

In 1896 the letter above arrived at the New York post office. As there was no Goat Street in New York, the office marked it misdirected and sent it on to Washington, where clerks eventually opened it, looking for further clues. They found this:

Dear Santa, — When I said my prayers last night I told God to tell you to bring me a hobby horse. I don’t want a hobby horse, really. A honestly live horse is what I want. Mamma told me not to ask for him, because I probably would make you mad, so you wouldn’t give me anything at all, and if I got him I wouldn’t have any place to keep him. A man I know will keep him, he says, if you get him for me. I thought you might like to know. Please don’t be mad. — Affectionately, John.

P.S. — A shetland would be enough.

P.S. — I’d rather have a hobby horse than nothing at all.

“I am very sorry to say that John did not get the horse,” wrote Mary K. Davis in the Strand. “Little boys who don’t do as their mothers tell them find little favour with Santa Claus.”

“A Statesman”

A Statesman who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to speak, but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do with commerce.

‘Mr. Chairman,’ said an Aged Member, rising, ‘I conceive that the objection is not well taken; the gentleman’s connection with commerce is close and intimate. He is a commodity.’

— Ambrose Bierce, Fantastic Fables, 1899

In a Word

calophantic
adj. pretending or making a show of excellence

velleity
n. a mere wish, unaccompanied by an effort to obtain it

fode
v. to lead on with delusive expectations

magnoperate
v. to magnify the greatness of

Roman diplomat Sidonius Apollinaris describes the hunting skill of Visigoth king Theodoric II:

If the chase is the order of the day, he joins it, but never carries his bow at his side, considering this derogatory to royal state. … He will ask you beforehand what you would like him to transfix; you choose, and he hits. If there is a miss … your vision will mostly be at fault, and not the archer’s skill.

(Quoted in Norman Davies, Vanished Kingdoms, 2012.)

Roll Call

Unusual personal names collected in Oklahoma by onomastician Thomas Pyles in the 1940s:

  • A. Noble Ladd
  • Beverage Porter
  • Bunker Hill
  • Charming Fox
  • Erie Lake
  • France Paris
  • Gunga Dean
  • Harness Upp
  • Harry Baer
  • Ima Goose
  • Jack Frost
  • Johnny Steele Casebeer
  • Liberty Bond
  • Pansy Leafe
  • Pearl Button
  • Rose Bush
  • Safety Reuel First
  • Winter Frost

Ima Foster and Ura Foster, possibly twin sisters, both received master’s degrees in education at the University of Oklahoma in 1943. “It has been suggested to me that most of the bearers of jocular names come of families in which infant baptism is not practiced, inasmuch as (it is to be hoped) few clergymen would consent to make a travesty of the sacrament of baptism by bestowing such names in christening.”

(Thomas Pyles, “Onomastic Individualism in Oklahoma,” American Speech 22:4 [December 1947], 257-264.)

08/15/2024 UPDATE: It appears Safety First became a cardiologist. “My dad gave me this troublesome title. We already had a junior in the family, so dad named me after the popular motto that had just been created.” (Thanks, Charlotte.)

Sharp Practice

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Talking of shaving the other night at Dr. Taylor’s, Dr. Johnson said, ‘Sir, of a thousand shavers, two do not shave so much alike as not to be distinguished.’ I thought this not possible, till he specified so many of the varieties in shaving; — holding the razor more or less perpendicular; — drawing long or short strokes; — beginning at the upper part of the face, or the under; — at the right side or the left side. Indeed, when one considers what variety of sounds can be uttered by the windpipe, in the compass of a very small aperture, we may be convinced how many degrees of difference there may be in the application of a razor.

— James Boswell, Life of Samuel Johnson, 1791