Ignatius Nathaniel Scares’ nose shaper, patented in 1907, offers new hope to “those with upturned, one-sided, or flat noses or those with distended nostrils.”

The noses of a great many persons are slightly deformed, and therefore because of the prominence of this feature the appearance of the face is more or less disfigured. Such deformity can frequently be remedied by a gentle but continuous pressure, and it is the object of this invention to bring about this result in a way that shall be painless to the individual.

Apply the cup to your nose, then cinch the strap to your head to produce a steady pressure. “It will usually be found preferable to wear the device at night, but it can be worn any time, and a continuous use will soon be found to re-form or reshape the nose into its normal lines.” For all I know it works.

Patented in 1918, Martin Jelalian’s “device for walking upon the surface of the water” enlists a gas balloon to hold the user upright as he “slidably walks” to his destination.

This seems an improvement on the water-walking contraptions of 1858 … unless the wind picks up.

In an editorial on Dec. 10, 1903, the New York Times advised inventor Samuel Langley to stop experimenting with flying machines. “We hope that Professor Langley will not put his substantial greatness as a scientist in further peril by continuing to waste his time, and the money involved, in further airship experiments. Life is short, and he is capable of services to humanity incomparably greater than can be expected to result from trying to fly. … For students and investigators of the Langley type there are more useful employments.”

One week later, the Wright brothers made their first successful flight at Kitty Hawk.

One such error is understandable, but 17 years later the Times made essentially the same mistake.

Rita A. Della Vecchia’s 1988 invention pets your dog while you’re at the office:

One of the primary elements of this relationship of man with domestic pets seems to be the scratching, stroking and petting of a pet that can be accomplished by its human symbiont by reason of his greater dexterity. … The instant invention provides a mechanical device to simulate this activity for pets without requiring human attention, with the thought that, by reason of the learned behavior of such animals, the animal will associate this activity, as to its source of origin, with its human symbiont.

Thanks to other inventors, you can offer the same treatment to your baby and even to yourself.

With Mark L. Winn’s shampooing apparatus, “a person may have his hair washed, brushed, showered with water, and, lastly, dried while retaining an easy and comfortable sitting position.” That would be impressive today, but Winn patented this in 1871. Essentially it consists of a watertight helmet in which the hair is washed and then rinsed with a detachable sprinkler, with the dirty water discharged through a pipe; there’s no need for a sink.

The drier is “heated by caloric introduced through pipes, or by a flame from a spirit-lamp.” I wonder whether he tested this …

From an 1891 Strand article on curious inventions:

• To combat seasickness, “The passenger’s chair is attached to a balloon, the chair being connected to the deck by a ball and socket joint; to keep the balloon from swaying too much, it is attached to a rod above.”
• A four-poster bed that can be converted into a bath. “The canopy above forms the vessel for the shower bath, the water being pumped up through a pipe in one of the four uprights.”
• Below, a military cloak that doubles as a close tent. “The cloak can be suspended by the hood, holes can be made in the lower edge of the cloak for the passage of pegs, and the cold may be kept out by means of the customary buttons and buttonholes.”

“On the first blush this sounds rather a good idea, and almost practicable, till the thing is looked into more closely. We then find that the cloak must either be very, very large for the wearer, or, on the other hand, the tent must be very, very small for the occupant. … We are not told what happens to the sleeves when used as a tent; perhaps one is stuffed with straw to keep out the cold, the other being used as a chimney or ventilator!”

Why spend money on cat food when there’s a more immediate solution? Leo Voelker’s 1979 invention simultaneously curbs the local sparrow population and keeps the local cats occupied.

The birds enter the housing at the top but can escape only through the mesh cage at the bottom, which serves as a kind of self-serve food dispenser for neighborhood cats.

“The cat feeder by its design is self-cleaning since the cat quickly learns to remove the sparrow from the cage.”

How do you make a collar for a creature that’s all neck?

Standard animal collars such as designed for dogs and cats as well as other legged animals are not designed for the body style of a snake because the snake has no external appendages. … The concertina motion of a snake coupled with an ability to alter the shape of its circumference enables it to move through and escape any known annular restraint such as a neck-style collar.

Donald Boys’ snake collar, patented in 2002, includes a “concertina movement neutralization device” that prevents these escapes so you can take your snake outdoors. “A reptile getting more sunlight will have a better skin condition than one kept in the dark.”

Brice Belisle’s 1997 patent application is admirably concise: “The invention relates to clothing for transporting and displaying small pets while worn by a person.”

The “pet display clothing” can accommodate mice, hamsters, gerbils, snakes, and “possibly even insects.” “Fluid wastes tend to gravitate to the pocket,” we note with some concern, but the whole contraption can be rinsed with a faucet.

So now you can visit your friends without leaving your pets — and without sacrificing style: “The vest could be provided with sleeves to form a coat or jacket and be of increased length to form an overcoat.”

In 1995 Nicole M. Dubus patented a fork with an electronic timer that indicates when it’s okay to take another bite.

“The present invention can assist people to be more aware of their eating habits and pace themselves between bites, thus slowing down their rate of consumption and helping them change their eating habits to more healthy and enjoyable ones.”

Thomas Jefferson wrote, “We never repent of having eaten too little.”