At Southsea, Portsmouth, and other places off which our warships are accustomed to anchor, many of the better-educated servant-maids with sailor sweethearts have learnt to be such experts in the way of heliographing that, with ordinary small mirrors, they frequently flash messages to the men on the ships. A naval officer told the present writer that he had often, when on deck, been both amused and surprised at the accuracy with which some of these girls used this form of signalling out of pure fun.

— Tit Bits, quoted in Strand, May 1907

Well! It seems you have gotten so wrapped up in piano practice that you have forgotten about KILLER BEES!

Don’t look to me for help; I’m hiding in the cellar. Happily Virginia L. Butler has got you covered — in 1996 she invented a 6×3 bag of flexible, transparent, and sting-resistant plastic, complete with a mesh-covered aperture through which you can jeer at your frustrated attackers.

“In use, one can quickly unfold the present invention when the sound of a swarm is initially heard and enter the protective chamber before the bees actually approach. Even if one or two bees enter the enclosure during the process, the number of stings and proportionate danger will be greatly reduced.”

Conveniently, the bag can be folded and carried in a lightweight pouch that “fits easily into a backpack, purse, picnic basket, or pocket.” You can keep it near the piano.

You want to vacuum your dog, but your dog is afraid of vacuums. What do you need? A dog-shaped vacuum!

Anne Margaret Zaleski’s 1973 invention permits dog owners to clean up clipped hair and the like without alarming their pets:

It will be readily obvious that other shapes of dogs, not shown, may be used instead, preferably one to correspond to the particular type dog to be groomed so that he will feel more friendly toward it.

He may get a bit nervous again when he sees that his new friend’s tail is a retractable suction nozzle.

Here’s an ingenious way to limit your drinking — this cup, credited to Pythagoras of Samos, works fine if you fill it no higher than the dotted line. If you add more, the liquid spills over the elbow joint and a siphon effect pours the cup’s entire contents onto your lap.

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk,” said George Burns. “The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

Cities will be provided with moving street-ways, always in action at two or more speeds; and we shall have learned to hop on and off the lowest speed from the stationary pavement, and from the lower speeds to the higher, without danger. When streets cross, one rolling roadway will rise in a curve over the other. There will be no vehicular traffic at all in cities of any size; all the transportation will be done by the roads’ own motion.

— T. Baron Russell, A Hundred Years Hence, 1906

Face it, you never wanted kids in the first place. Now that you have one, you might as well put him to work. You already have a swing that churns butter; now, thanks to Deanna Porath’s 1984 brainstorm, you can fit a mowing attachment to his tricycle:

An object and advantage of the present invention is to provide a pedal operated mower that does not consume fuel or make noises corresponding to engines for mowers, but provides an arrangement that is conveniently an exercising assembly for operators, both young and old.

A curious side note: The patent abstract claims that one advantage of this arrangement is that “the operator need not be required to start an engine and to endanger pulling his arm out of socket in order to crank the mower,” a risk of which your correspondent had been hitherto unaware. Maybe I’ll build one of these myself.

This is charming — in 1925, William Huffman patented a “jumping balloon” that could carry its operator hundreds of feet into the air. He foresaw a whole new world:

The balloon is particularly useful in jumping over natural or artificial barriers, such as buildings, trees, rivers, chasms and the like; as a convenient means for quickly obtaining considerable altitude for photographic and observation purposes; as a convenient and safe way to practice parachute landings and give preliminary instructions in lighter-than-air craft to students; as a convenient means of quickly and easily ascending to the tops of trees, houses and the like for inspection; and other purposes.

With that in view, the sport became a fad of sorts in the 1920s. Time magazine wrote, “Walk along the ground with a breeze at your back, approach a fence, bend your knees, spring lightly into the air when you feel the tug of the balloon. You will sail over the fence so easily and land so gently that you will be surprised.”

“All the legislatures will be busily engaged in passing laws prohibiting people from leaving the earth too freely, or rules for the right of way up and down and sideways,” predicted enthusiast Frederick S. Hoppin. “And then there will be all the new rules of etiquette: should you pass over or around a lady?”

Bicycles are great for exercising the lower body, but what about the back? In 1900 Louis S. Burbank had a bright idea — by mounting a pair of sculls on the frame, the modern cyclist can row his way to total fitness.

The levers are used for both pedaling and steering. The patent says nothing about brakes.