Satan, Schmatan

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You can stop worrying about backward messages hidden in popular songs — they’re totally passe now. Examples:

  • “Congratulations. You’ve just discovered the secret message. Please send your answer to Old Pink, care of the funny farm, Chalfont.” (Pink Floyd, “Empty Spaces”)
  • “Anyone who is stupid enough to play this record backwards deserves what he is about to hear.” (Bloodrock, “Gotta Find a Way”)
  • “Obey your parents. Do your homework. Winners don’t do drugs.” (Information Society, “Are Friends Electric?”)
  • “Time is important. You are wasting it by backmasking this song. You want me to say something about the devil or something? Okay — lalalalalalalala Satan.” (K&H, “Dusty Road”)
  • “Wow, you must have an awful lot of free time on your hands.” (“Weird Al” Yankovic, “I Remember Larry”)
  • “Devil shall wake up and eat Chef Boyardee Beefaroni.” (The Bloodhound Gang, “Lift Your Head Up High”)
  • “I buried my parakeet in the backyard. Oh no, you’re playing the record backwards. Watch out, you might ruin your needle.” (The B-52s, “Detour Through Your Mind”)

Maybe that’s for the best; those congressional witch hunts were getting kind of scary. Saint Teresa of Avila said, “I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him.”

| Entertainment

“British Women Can’t Cook”

Controversial remarks attributed to Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh:

  • “If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
  • When visiting China in 1986, he told a group of British students, “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.”
  • To a British student in Papua New Guinea: “You managed not to get eaten then?”
  • To a Scottish driving instructor: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough for them to pass the driving test?”
  • On a visit to the new Welsh Assembly in Cardiff, he told a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band, “Deaf? No wonder you are deaf, standing so close to that racket.”
  • To an Australian aborigine: “Still throwing spears?”
  • To the president of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional Muslim robes: “You look like you’re ready for bed.”
  • Seeing a poorly installed fusebox in an Edinburgh factory, Philip said it looked “like it was put in by an Indian.”
  • When a 12-year-old boy told the prince that he aspired to be an astronaut, he replied, “You’re too fat.”

Overheard during an extended tour of HMS Boxer: “Not another fucking chamber.”

| Quotations

Freudian Skip

The youngest confirmed mother in medical history is Lina Medina of Paurange, Peru, who gave birth to a 5.9-pound boy at age 5. The delivery was done through caesarian section; it’s not known how she conceived the child. Her son, Gerardo, was raised believing that Lina was his sister.

| Oddities

I Am Not An Animal!

Are the X-Men human? Purists might like to debate that for a while, but the U.S. Court of International Trade went ahead and decided on Jan. 3, 2003: They’re not.

Why force a decision? Because there are two kinds of action figures: human figures are “dolls,” and nonhuman creatures are “toys.” And dolls carry a higher tariff, for some reason. Toy Biz, Marvel’s gaily named subsidiary, argued that its action figures were toys, and after examining more than 60 action figures, Judge Judith Barzilay agreed.

That saved Marvel some money, but it sent a thunderclap through the comics world, where the doughty mutants had been struggling for years to prove their humanity. After an awkward silence, Marvel grinned nervously, tugged at its collar, and said, “Our heroes are living, breathing human beings — but humans who have extraordinary abilities. … A decision that the X-Men figures indeed do have ‘nonhuman’ characteristics further proves our characters have special, out-of-this world powers.” Spun like a pro.

| Society

Tom Swifties

Bad Tom Swifties:

  • “These propulsion systems were used by NASA on moon rockets,” said Tom apologetically.
  • “I’ve only enough carpet for the hall and landing,” said Tom with a blank stare.
  • “We’re off to Scotland,” said Tom clandestinely.
  • “The prisoner escaped down a rope,” said Tom condescendingly.
  • “I dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom, crestfallen.
  • “Aha! Here’s someone who can’t speak!” exclaimed Tom dumbfoundedly.
  • “There’s nothing wrong with demons,” Tom said implicitly.
  • “I’ve borrowed my sister’s camping gear,” said Tom insistently.
  • “I want a motorized bicycle,” Tom moped.
  • “Crosby is my favourite singer. Who is yours?” asked Tom probingly.
  • “It’s time for the second funeral,” Tom rehearsed.
  • “So only one person arrived at the party before I did?” Tom second-guessed.
  • “I was adopted,” said Tom transparently.
  • “It’s homemade soup,” said Tom uncannily.
  • “Henry the Eighth!” said Tom unthinkingly.

Are there any good ones?

| Language

Platinum Plus

All-time best-selling music artists:

  • The Beatles (about 1 billion albums sold)
  • Elvis Presley (500 million)
  • ABBA (350 million)
  • Led Zeppelin (320 million)
  • Alla Pugacheva (250 million)
  • Cliff Richard (260 million)
  • Julio Iglesias (250 million)
  • Nana Mouskouri (250 million)
  • Madonna (250 million)
  • Michael Jackson (250 million)

Alla Pugacheva is a Russian popular singer active since 1965. Greece’s Nana Mouskouri has been singing even longer — since 1961. Her French record company recently released a box set of 34 CDs.

| Entertainment