a = b
a2 = ab
a2 – b2 = ab – b2
(a – b)(a + b) = b(a – b)
a + b = b
b + b = b
2b = b
2 = 1
Busy Airports
World’s busiest airports:
- Atlanta
- Chicago
- London
- Tokyo
- Los Angeles
- Dallas
- Frankfurt
- Paris
- Amsterdam
- Denver
Actually, it depends on how you measure busyness. Atlanta serves the most passengers each year, but Chicago has the most arrivals and departures. Frankfurt serves the most international destinations, but Heathrow handles the most international passengers. And Memphis, home of FedEx, handles the most cargo traffic.
They fight over this, but I don’t see why. Who would prefer a busy airport?
How Fat Is She?
Your momma is so fat …
- her ass has its own congressman.
- when she dances she makes the band skip.
- her belt size is “equator.”
- she was baptized in tartar sauce.
- her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
- it took five UFOs to abduct her.
- she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- when she steps on the scales it says NEXT AXLE.
- she eats Wheat Thicks.
- her blood type is Ragu.
- she whistles bass.
Earnings
Occupations with highest median earnings:
- Physicians and surgeons
- Dentists
- Chief executives
- Podiatrists
- Lawyers
- Engineering managers
- Optometrists
- Petroleum engineers
- Natural sciences managers
- Actuaries
Lowest median earnings:
- Dishwashers
- Counter attendants, food concession
- Child-care workers
- Maids and housekeeping cleaners
- Dining room, cafeteria attendants, bartender helpers
- Food preparation workers
- Teacher assistants
- Restaurant hosts, hostesses
- Food prep and serving workers
- Waiters and waitresses
“Dedicated to the Art of Mocking Public Works”
What does this mean? Who knows? Here are some guesses, from the readers at Swanksigns:
- The happy, smiling sun will kill your puppy.
- Don’t let your puppy drive in the sunshine.
- This combo may turn dog into looming castle.
- Do not let your dog drive into the sun, or they will be killed with green fire.
- Attention! Dogs will drive to the beach on sunny days.
- Car-driving dogs make the sun happy and then they die.
- Warning: Car-driving dogs in sunlight may cause harmful power plant exposure.
Vegetarian Actors
Vegetarian actors:
- Pamela Anderson
- Christian Bale
- John Cleese
- Richard Gere
- Darryl Hannah
- Woody Harrelson
- Josh Hartnett
- Dustin Hoffman
- Samuel L. Jackson
- Tobey Maguire
- Ian McKellen
- Gwyneth Paltrow
- Natalie Portman
- Hilary Swank
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals,” says A. Whitney Brown. “I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
In a Word
orgiophant
n. one who presides over orgies
The Python
A python I should not advise,
It needs a doctor for its eyes,
And has the measles yearly.
However, if you feel inclined
To get one (to improve your mind,
And not from fashion merely),
Allow no music near its cage;
And when it flies into a rage
Chastise it most severely.
I had an Aunt in Yucatan
Who bought a Python from a man
And kept it for a pet.
She died because she never knew
These simple little rules and few;–
The snake is living yet.
— Hilaire Belloc
Spaghetti Trees
In 1957, as a joke, the BBC TV program Panorama reported a bumper harvest from the “spaghetti trees” of Ticino, Switzerland, thanks to a mild winter and the “virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil.”
Britons at the time knew pasta mainly as canned spaghetti with tomato sauce; hundreds of viewers called to ask for advice about growing their own trees.
The BBC reportedly told them to “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”
Awkward Moments
Songs deemed inappropriate by Clear Channel Broadcasting following the 9/11 attacks:
- The Animals – “We Gotta Get Out Of This Place”
- Louis Armstrong – “What A Wonderful World”
- The Bangles – “Walk Like An Egyptian”
- Pat Benatar – “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”
- Filter – “Hey Man, Nice Shot”
- Fuel – “Bad Day”
- Gap Band – “You Dropped A Bomb On Me”
- Godsmack – “Bad Religion”
- Alanis Morissette – “Ironic”
- The Surfaris – “Wipeout”
- Tool – “Intolerance”
CCB also flagged Maureen McGovern’s “We May Never Love Like This Again” … because it was featured in the movie The Towering Inferno.