After years of work, some programmers unveil a new supercomputer. They say it knows everything.
A skeptical man asks the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer thinks, then says, “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The man laughs. “See? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for 20 years.”
“No,” the computer says. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for 20 years. Your father just landed a three-pound trout.”
Average travel time to work:
The average U.S. commute is 24.3 minutes.
The appropriate word here is “Bleeaagh.” In 897, Pope Stephen VI dug up the decomposing body of his predecessor and put it on trial for violating church law. Formosus, who had been dead for nine months, was found guilty and buried again. Rome turned against Stephen, who was eventually strangled in prison. It’s known as the cadaver synod or, in Latin, the “synodus horrenda.”
epalpebrate
adj. lacking eyebrows
Contents of Stanley’s Snake Oil, produced by “Rattlesnake King” Clark Stanley in 1917, as determined by the federal government:
I.e., no actual snake oil. But it’s pretty close to modern-day capsaicin-based liniments, so it may still have worked pretty well as intended.
Make your own wanted poster at glassgiant.com.
“The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is out-grossing my films.” — Paul Newman
Sound effects created by MAD cartoonist Don Martin:
PITTWEEN SPLATCH THORK BLOOF THLIK GLITCH GLUTCH PITTWOON PLAF PLOOF SPLITCH THUK THAP PLOOP is the sound of a bullet ricocheting off a ceiling, through six heads, off a wall, then through six more heads.
“Nothing.” — Louis XVI
(Diary entry for July 14, 1789, the day of the storming of the Bastille.)
Actual names of politicians in the state of Meghalaya, India:
Hitler Marak told the Hindustan Times: “Maybe my parents liked the name and hence christened me Hitler. … I am happy with my name, although I don’t have any dictatorial tendencies.”