hadeharia
n. constant use of the word “hell”
Odds of Dying
Your lifetime odds of dying …
- on a streetcar: 1 in 1,230,975
- through burning or melting of nightwear: 1 in 738,585
- in a discharge of fireworks: 1 in 615,488
- in an earthquake: 1 in 131,890
- through contact with hornets, wasps, or bees: 1 in 85,882
- by lightning: 1 in 83,930
- due to a cave-in or falling earth: 1 in 65,945
- through contact with hot tap water: 1 in 64,788
- in a legal execution: 1 in 58,618
- by falling, jumping, or being pushed from a high place: 1 in 47,960
- while riding an animal: 1 in 31,836
- by drowning in the bathtub: 1 in 11,469
- in a fall involving a bed, a chair, or other furniture: 1 in 5,031
Chance of dying in an assault by firearm: 1 in 325. Of shooting yourself: 1 in 219.
Benchley in Venice
STREETS FULL OF WATER. PLEASE ADVISE.
— Robert Benchley, telegram from Venice
Backhanded Letters of Reference
What to write in a slacker’s letter of reference:
- “You would be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
- “No one would be better for this position.”
- “He doesn’t care how many hours he must put in.”
- “There is nothing you can teach him.”
- “I refer him with no qualifications whatsoever.”
- “Waste no time in making him an offer.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
Unquote
“A period novel! About the Civil War! Who needs the Civil War now — who cares?” — Pictorial Review editor Herbert R. Mayes, turning down a prepublication serialization of Gone With the Wind, 1936
Spring Heeled Jack
A villain worthy of DC Comics, Spring Heeled Jack leapt liberally around England between 1837 and 1904, attacking isolated victims who described him as a muscular devil in an oilskin.
If he was the devil, he wasn’t a very ambitious criminal, generally just crashing carriages and groping women. But he could jump 9-foot walls, perhaps using spring-loaded footgear, judging from some ill-preserved prints.
An anonymous letter implied that a human prankster was terrorizing London on a bet, and incidental reports began to mount. In 1838 four witnesses saw him breathe fire and jump to the roof of a house, and in 1845 he threw a 13-year-old prostitute from a bridge, his first killing. On the night of Feb. 8, 1855, long trails of hooflike prints were seen in the snow throughout Devon, crossing roofs, walls, and haystacks. By 1873 thousands were gathering each night to hunt the ghost.
Nothing seemed to stop him, including bullets, and he even attacked a group of soldiers at Aldershot Barracks in 1877. He was last spotted in 1904 in Liverpool, leaping over a crowd of witnesses and disappearing behind some neighboring houses.
There’s no good explanation. Some suspected the Marquess of Waterford, who was known to spring on travelers to amuse himself, but the attacks continued after his death. Others have suggested a stranded extraterrestrial, a visitor from another dimension, or a real demon. We’ll never know.
Mondegreens
Kissthisguy.com records 4,142 misheard song lyrics:
You think the taxi’s a bear on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb on its back with your head in the clouds
And you’re gone
“My husband laughed at me. He is still laughing at me about this a year later.”
Shaggy Dog Story
A man is looking for a new pet, so he goes to the pet store and asks the owner if he has a dog. The owner shows him a few dogs, but the man isn’t interested. Suddenly the pet store owner has a thought.
“I know just the dog for you,” he says, and he goes to the last kennel in the row. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the man. “I should take him to show my wife! I’ll buy him.”
The man buys the dog and takes him home to his wife.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says his wife. “You should take it to show the minister!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the minister.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the minister. “You should take it to show the mayor!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the mayor.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the mayor. “You should take it to show the governor-general!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the governor-general.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the governor-general. “You should take it to show the queen!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the queen.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
The queen says, “No.”
The Yak
As a friend to the children commend me the Yak,
You will find it exactly the thing:
It will carry and fetch, you can ride on its back,
Or lead it about with a string.
The Tartar who dwells on the plains of Thibet
(A desolate region of snow)
Has for centuries made it a nursery pet,
And surely the Tartar should know!
Then tell your papa where the Yak can be got,
And if he is awfully rich
He will buy you the creature — or else he will not.
(I cannot be positive which.)
— Hilaire Belloc
In a Word
wittol
n. a man who knows of and tolerates his wife’s infidelity