“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
Gone And Forgotten
Gone And Forgotten honors great moments in bad comics.
Historical Cats
Cats and their owners:
- Hodge: Samuel Johnson, British writer and lexicographer
- Selima: Horace Walpole, British writer and historian
- Langbourne: Jeremy Bentham, British writer, reformer, and philosopher
- Old Foss: Edward Lear, British poet and humorist
- Siam: Rutherford B. Hayes, American president
- Appolinaris, Beelzebub, Blatherskaite, Buffalo Bill: Mark Twain, American author
- Bismarck: Florence Nightingale, British nurse
- Cobby: Thomas Hardy, British writer
- Chess, Checkmate: Alexander Alekhine, Russian-French chess player
- Taki: Raymond Chandler, American novelist
- Jellylorum, George Pushdragon: T.S. Eliot, American-born British critic and writer
- Blackie, Jock, Nelson, Tango: Winston Churchill, British politician and writer
- Beppo: Jorge Luis Borges, Argentinian writer
- Gujarat: John Kenneth Galbraith, Canadian-born American economist, writer, and diplomat
- Fuckchop: Trent Reznor, leader, Nine Inch Nails
Fanciful Units of Measure
Little-used measurements:
- 1.2096 seconds ≅ 1 microfortnight
- π seconds ≅ 1 nanocentury
- 3.085 centimeters ≅ 1 attoparsec
- 2 mm square ≅ 1 nanoacre
- 2.263348517438173216473 millimeters ≅ 1 potrzebie (the thickness of MAD magazine issue 23)
- 20 terabytes ≅ 1 Library of Congress
After Jurassic Park came out, some paleontologists started measuring Tyrannosaurus rex food consumption in lawyers. If the average attorney weighs 150 pounds, they figure, a warm-blooded T. rex would eat 292 lawyers a year. A cold-blooded one would eat 73. I guess that means they were cold-blooded; there’s certainly no shortage of lawyers today.
Unquote
“I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.” — Babe Ruth
Group Hug
“I once was waiting for an elevator and when the doors opened, there was a baby there on the floor of the elevator in the car seat. Instead of taking the baby out, I instead waited for the doors to close and take the baby to another floor.”
Group Hug lists 167,394 anonymous confessions.
Invisible Pink Unicorn
Who says atheists don’t have a sense of humor? The Invisible Pink Unicorn (“blessed be her holy hooves”) was “revealed to” the Usenet newsgroup alt.atheism in 1990.
Since then, she’s acquired all the trappings of a real deity: gospels (“according to St. Sascha”), revelations (to “St. Bryce the Long-Winded”), relics (the Holy Sock of Bob), scripture, and historic artworks.
Because she’s invisible, it’s impossible to prove she does not exist. “The Invisible Pink Unicorn is a being of great spiritual power,” say the faithful. “We know this because she is capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that she is pink; we logically know that she is invisible because we can’t see her.”
Followers debate her attributes, but it’s generally agreed that she prefers pineapple and ham pizza to pepperoni and mushroom, which is said to be eaten only by followers of the Purple Oyster of Doom. The IPU also “raptures” socks from laundry as a sign of favor.
Is this harmless fun or awful blasphemy? It’s getting hard to care. As the French writer Edmond de Goncourt wrote, “If there is a God, atheism must seem to him as less of an insult than religion.”
Unquote
“Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.” — Golda Meir
Serial Killer Art Review
YuppiePunk’s Serial Killer Art Review presents the jailhouse compositions of 14 career murderers.
This piece is the work of Henry Lee Lucas, whose pathetic life was dramatized in the film Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.
Born to a legless alcoholic and a violent prostitute who shot his pony and beat him into a coma, Lucas lost an eye and experimented with bestiality as a teenager before stabbing his mom and launching a one-man crime wave.
He eventually confessed to 3,000 murders; if that’s true, he killed someone every day between 1975 and 1983. Kind of explains why he didn’t paint still lifes.
If you’re into this stuff, check out John Douglas’ disturbing book Mindhunter. A former FBI profiler, Douglas inspired Scott Glenn’s character in The Silence of the Lambs.
After studying sociopaths for 25 years, Douglas could examine a crime scene and give an uncannily accurate description of the killer: he has a speech impediment, he drives a red Volkswagen Beetle, he owns a German shepherd, he lives with sisters. And he’d be right. That’s one talent I don’t envy.
Irrational Slumber
In 1610, Ludolph van Ceulen died of exhaustion after deriving 35 decimal digits of pi.
They’re engraved on his tombstone.