auricomous
adj. golden-haired
flavicomous
adj. having yellow hair
melanocomous
adj. black-haired
lissotrichous
adj. having smooth hair
cymotrichous
adj. having wavy hair
crinicultural
adj. caring for the condition or appearance of the hair
floricomous
adj. having the head adorned with flowers
As a young man, Benjamin Franklin drew up a “plan for attaining moral perfection” based on a list of 13 virtues. Half a century later he credited the plan for much of his success in life. In this episode of the Futility Closet podcast we’ll explore Franklin’s self-improvement plan and find out which vices gave him the most trouble.
We’ll also learn how activist Natan Sharansky used chess to stay sane in Soviet prisons and puzzle over why the Pentagon has so many bathrooms.
Three children return home after playing outside, and their father tells them that at least one of them has a muddy face. He repeats the phrase “Step forward if you have a muddy face” until all and only the children with muddy faces have stepped forward.
If there’s only one child with a muddy face, then she’ll step forward immediately — she can see that no other children have muddy faces, so her father must be talking about her. Each of the other children will see her muddy face and stand fast, since they have no way of knowing whether their own faces are muddy.
If there are two children with muddy faces, then no one will step forward after the first request, since each might think the father is addressing the other one. But when no one steps forward after the first request, each will realize that there must be two children with muddy faces, and that she herself must be one of them. So both will step forward after the second request, and the rest will stand fast.
A pattern emerges: If there are n children with muddy faces, then n will step forward after the nth request.
But now imagine a scenario in which more than one of the children has a muddy face, but the father does not tell them that at least one of them has a muddy face. Now no one steps forward after the first request, for the same reason as before. But no one steps forward at the second request either, because the fact that no one stepped forward after the first request no longer means that there is more than one child with a muddy face.
This is perplexing. In the second scenario all the children can see that at least one of them has a muddy face, so it seems needless for the father to tell them so. But without his statement the argument never gets going; despite his repeated requests, no child will ever step forward. What’s missing?
(From Michael Clark, Paradoxes From A to Z, 2007.)
Ernest Hemingway published this “blank verse” in his high school literary magazine in 1916:
Get it? David Morice followed up with this “punctuation poem” in Word Ways in February 2012:
% , & —
+ . ? /
” :
% ;
+ $ [ \
It’s a limerick:
Percent comma ampersand dash
Plus period question mark slash
Quotation mark colon
Percent semicolon
Plus dollar sign bracket backslash
(Thanks, Volodymyr.)
Draw an arbitrary triangle and build an equilateral triangle on each of its sides, as shown.
Now show that AP = BQ = CR.
LEG and RUN share the same “bit” pattern in Morse code:
·-·· · --·
·-· ··- -·
So do EARN and URN (which are also homophones):
· ·- ·-· -·
··- ·-· -·
(Discovered by Philip Cohen.)
UPDATE: Reader Dave Lawrence wrote a script to find more of these. He found 2,900, including these highlights:
[one_third]TEMPT YAK[/one_third][one_third]ATTIC JINN[/one_third][one_third]SUAVE SINNER[/one_third]
[one_third]KILL TRUSTEE[/one_third][one_third]NIACIN BANNER[/one_third][one_third]CONVEX COBALT[/one_third]
[one_third]DRAIN NINETEEN[/one_third][one_third]WOMEN JOKE[/one_third][one_third]OMELETS TODDLE[/one_third]
[one_third]ENZYME APRON[/one_third][one_third]GOAT MEOW[/one_third][one_third]EMINENT PAINT[/one_third]
[one_third]ABSINTHE PHIALS[/one_third][one_third]NIPPLE BANANAS[/one_third][one_third]LEFTIE LEFTS[/one_third]
[one_third]CONTENT COCK[/one_third][one_third]DOTTY TUMMY[/one_third][one_third]PAPER WINGER[/one_third]
[one_third]EERIEST VISIT[/one_third][one_third]GENUINE GAVEL[/one_third][one_third]WETTEST ANGST[/one_third]
[one_third]SPEED SATIRE[/one_third][one_third]REUNITE LEPER[/one_third][one_third]COW COAT[/one_third]
[one_third]CINDER CURVE[/one_third][one_third]FUNK ELEMENT[/one_third][one_third]THOSE BAGS[/one_third]
[one_third]DELIVER BLISTER[/one_third][one_third]CAUSES CRASH[/one_third][one_third]DEFENSIVE THRASHER[/one_third]
[one_third]SKIN STAIN[/one_third][one_third]CHIMNEY CHUTNEY[/one_third][one_third]SOME VOTE[/one_third]
[one_third]PESKIER WHALER[/one_third][one_third]RANDY REMEDY[/one_third][one_third]ESTEEMED SAUCE[/one_third]
[one_third]MANGO TYPO[/one_third][one_third]TEXTUAL CANARD[/one_third][one_third]INANE FEZ[/one_third]
[one_third]REEXAMINE ASTEROID[/one_third][one_third]DEFILE BIBLE[/one_third][one_third]MILKMEN MIRROR[/one_third]
[one_third]BEAT THAT[/one_third][one_third]NEAREST DENTIST[/one_third][one_third]GRANDER GREMLIN[/one_third]
[one_third]TIGER TUNER[/one_third][one_third]SUCH HANDS[/one_third][one_third]INDEXED URINAL[/one_third]
[one_third]TICKLED NECTARINE[/one_third][one_third]JACK ATTACK[/one_third][one_third]GREENISH GLASSES[/one_third]
[one_third]BEBOP DUSTMAN[/one_third][one_third]PATIENCE WIZARD[/one_third][one_third]DRAMA NINJA[/one_third]
[one_third]BAROQUE BAROMETER[/one_third][one_third]NEURON BARON[/one_third][one_third]NEUTRON BACON[/one_third]
[one_third]DISK THEFT[/one_third][one_third]PAMPAS PEOPLE[/one_third][one_third]TROIKA COURT[/one_third]
[one_third]COLLIE TROLLS[/one_third][one_third]MINISCULE MINISKIRTS[/one_third][one_third]MATTED GORE[/one_third]
[one_third]INSULIN INHALER[/one_third][one_third]MEETING GETUP[/one_third][one_third]SELF SERVE[/one_third]
[one_third]KITTEN CAKE[/one_third][one_third]TRUTH CUBE[/one_third][one_third]CHAP TENSING[/one_third]
[one_third]PELICAN ABDICATE[/one_third][one_third]KALE TARTS[/one_third][one_third]TROUSER COUSIN[/one_third]
[one_third]VAST STREET[/one_third][one_third]DISTORTED DIVORCE[/one_third][one_third]BRUNETTE DELEGATE[/one_third]
[one_third]F*CKED ELEMENTAL[/one_third][one_third]MAIZE GNATS[/one_third][one_third]SPOUSE SWATTERS[/one_third]
[one_third]FIRMS INVADE[/one_third][one_third]CHIEF KISSER[/one_third][one_third]SWITCH SPACES[/one_third]
[one_third]THREE NESTS[/one_third][one_third]INVERTING FIRETRAP[/one_third][one_third]MOUSE OTTERS[/one_third]
[one_third]ANALYZE PARROTS[/one_third][one_third]AIMLESS RETCHES[/one_third][one_third]RAWHIDE RAPISTS[/one_third]
[one_third]MINIMAL GLANCE[/one_third][one_third]PRIESTS PRESIDE[/one_third][one_third]INBRED INTESTINE[/one_third]
[one_third]GUFFAW MILDLY[/one_third][one_third]MIDDAY GRAVY[/one_third][one_third]WONDER AMOEBAE[/one_third]
[one_third]PALE AXLE[/one_third][one_third]WHISKEY EMISSARY[/one_third][one_third]CAGED CAMEL[/one_third]
[one_third]MINTIER GENDER[/one_third][one_third]QUEER MAIDEN[/one_third][one_third]ASTERISK AIRLIFT[/one_third]
[one_third]SACRED SEQUEL[/one_third][one_third]ESPIED SEABED[/one_third][one_third]MAIM GNAT[/one_third]
[one_third]TURNIP TURBAN[/one_third][one_third_last]NIGHTIE NIGHTS[one_third_last]
John asked Clara
To take
A walk with him
And pick flowers.
But Clara’s brother
Came along
And so
They picked flowers.
— North Carolina Boll Weevil, 1922
ArnoldC, a language devised by Finnish computer programmer Lauri Hartikka, assigns programming functions to catch phrases from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. Some keywords:
False: I LIED
True: NO PROBLEMO
If: BECAUSE I’M GOING TO SAY PLEASE
Else: BULLSHIT
EndIf: YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR LOGIC
While: STICK AROUND
EndWhile: CHILL
MultiplicationOperator: YOU’RE FIRED
DivisionOperator: HE HAD TO SPLIT
EqualTo: YOU ARE NOT YOU YOU ARE ME
GreaterThan: LET OFF SOME STEAM BENNET
Or: CONSIDER THAT A DIVORCE
And: KNOCK KNOCK
DeclareMethod: LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY
MethodArguments: I NEED YOUR CLOTHES YOUR BOOTS AND YOUR MOTORCYCLE
Return: I’LL BE BACK
EndMethodDeclaration: HASTA LA VISTA, BABY
AssignVariableFromMethodCall: GET YOUR ASS TO MARS
ReadInteger: I WANT TO ASK YOU A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS AND I WANT TO HAVE THEM ANSWERED IMMEDIATELY
AssignVariable: GET TO THE CHOPPER
SetValue: HERE IS MY INVITATION
EndAssignVariable: ENOUGH TALK
ParseError: WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG
This program prints the string “hello world”:
IT'S SHOWTIME TALK TO THE HAND "hello world" YOU HAVE BEEN TERMINATED
“There is a danger in being persuaded before one understands.” — Thomas Wilson
It was well remarked by an intelligent old farmer, ‘I would rather be taxed for the education of the boy, than the ignorance of the man. For one or the other I am compelled to pay.’
— Southern Cultivator, January 1848
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